Depression.

Depression makes someone push people away. Sleep. Not eat. Avoid contact with people they need most. It also makes you focus on all the wrong. ALL of it. Even the stuff that hasn't gone wrong. But, I think it hurts me most because it makes me feel unworthy of love. It makes me feel like nothing works out because I am not good enough. And no, I don't mean pretty enough. But just not good enough. & I can't explain what that means exactly. I really can't.

Depression phases are terrible. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Depression makes you want to sleep all day. But, at night, it keeps me up. When no one is up. When there is no one to talk to but the thoughts within my mind. My mind wonders. It makes up scenarios I didn't know where possible. It makes me be so pessimistic about life when all I want to be is optimistic. Positive. Happy. Lovely. But I am far from it.

Depression makes me almost seem as if I am two different people trapped in one body. That's the only way I can explain it, honestly. When I am in public, I'm the happy, talkative, outgoing girl everyone loves and picks on. But, on the inside, im so far from that. Far. It's like I am trapped within my own mind of thoughts. I am making sarcastic jokes out loud when my mind is thinking of everything anyone could be judging me on.

Depression makes you wanna hate your life. And you begin to do just that. Exactly that. It makes you want to question everything around you. That's where the not good enough part will come. Are you not good enough for anyone around you and that's why it doesn't work? Do you choose the wrong people because you know it won't work out eventually? Depressed people tend to choose toxic people to get intimate with. It is almost as if we pick people who match our mindsets. Depressed people, honestly, have toxic mindsets. We allow our thoughts to take over our body. We try so hard to be happy like it's actually going to be easy, but it's not. We ruin everything in our paths. Which goes back to the, are we not good enough for anyone?

Depressed people only relate to other depressed people. And "I'm depressed" or "I have depression" tend to get thrown around so easily within this generation. Sad days doesn't mean you are depressed. Depression is more than just a sad day. It's the feeling of constant sadness. Constant toxic thoughts. Constant wanting to be alone. Constant thinking of never being good enough. It's having such a good couple of weeks or (just a week,) and BAM. You wake up one day and you're sad all over again. But, the worst part about depression is, you never know when the phase will end. When you'll feel good about yourself and your life again.

"I just want to sleep. A coma would be nice. Or amnesia. Anything, just to get rid of this, these thoughts, whispers in my mind." -Laurie Halse Anderson