If I Ended Up Being Your Toxic Person

You always think about the toxic people who have entered your life, but you never think about being the toxic person. You always think of everything the toxic person has done to you, but you never consider if you were ever someone's toxic person. You don't realize everything someone put you through, you could've put someone else through. Whether it be within a friendship, a relationship, or someone you hurt without realizing, always take control of your actions. So this is to the people I have been toxic to without realizing or never taking responsibility for my actions. Here is my apology and explanation.

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FIRST: Sorry

I am so sorry for anything I put you through without realizing. I am sorry if I ever made you question your worth. I have had that done to me countless times. I am sorry if I made you lay in bed crying over something I have done to you, that was never my intention. I am sorry if I led you on in anyway. I am sorry if I screwed up something going well for you because I put my feelings first. I am sorry if I ever made you hate me because my actions did not reflect who I really am as a person. I am sorry if I made you self conscious or not feel worthy of anything because I was selfish. I am trying to better myself, and I am so sorry for it all. Usually, any of those things were not my intention, but a few come to mind where I hurt so many people without thinking of the consequences first. So, here is my apology for any of that once again.

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SECOND: Selfishness

If I drove you out of my life because I was so selfish, I am once again sorry. Sometimes we don't realize how selfish we are as people. We put our own "happiness" and "choices" before others, and we don't realize the consequences that will follow. Within the last two almost three years, I made so many selfish decisions. I let toxic people in my life make ME a toxic person in someone else's life. I put my own happiness before theirs. I allowed my decisions take control of everything. I was in so many vulnerable positions, and I never thought twice about so many. I let a couple toxic people make me vulnerable and become your toxic person. I am trying to right my wrong, and I know a lot of those relationships are long gone because of my choices. The thought of being happy was my only mindset. Only, I wasn't happy. I thought I was happy. My toxic people led me to be your toxic person. That was never my intention, and I did not realize what I was doing at the time. I am so sorry.

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THIRD: Blaming Someone Else

I blamed a lot of people for my choices. Particularly one person at most. The thing is, I didn't understand it was my choice too. You know, to do all the wrong things. To make all the wrong choices. I never took the blame. Yeah, I did when I was talking to my closest friends, and we laughed about it, but never to the person who needed me to take the blame. I thought it wouldn't be as bad if I didn't take the blame, and I left it on the other person. It's easier to point fingers, so you don't look so bad. I did just that. I am taking blame for everything now. I fully take blame. I am not even putting anything on anyone else because they were all my choices too.

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Fourth: Drama, Drama, Drama

Anyone who knows me, knows I know all the gossip. Most of the time, I am full of gossip within myself. I made a messy lifestyle, and everything within it was just another thing for me to add to my journal at the end of the night. The more "eventful" my life was, the more stories I had to tell. I made countless drama for myself that was never needed. I added on to my own drama full of toxic things, and I never realized. I just thought it was a funny, "Oh my gosh! Listen to this story I have for yall today!" or the famous, "Boy, guess what??! I have a good story to tell." My toxic personality was so eventful and funny. I just had another story to tell. Toxic people don't realize we thrive off of a good story, and I was doing that within myself. I was so misguided by all the wrong things that I never realized all the "funny" stuff was just toxic stuff in another form.

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Fifth: I Couldn't Let Go

As I look back, I realize my toxins to other people was because I couldn't let go of the toxic within my life. I am not the person who likes change, so I thought if I kept the same lifestyle and choices, I was doing just fine. It took me over a year to finally gather myself. Gather all my tears. Gather all my sadness. Gather everything. I finally put it into perspective that I was such a toxic person over the last few years, mainly this last year. I was hurt countless times, and I hurt other people countless times. I couldn't let go of what needed to be removed from my life. I didn't want to change. I had a mindset to getting exactly what I wanted only I didn't realize what I wanted wasn't what God intended on me having. I kept pushing him away to make sure I got MY way. But "my" way was only hurting so many people along the away. "My" way was making me so toxic. I didn't even care at the time. I thought all my decisions were the right ones.. knowing deep down they weren't. Here is me, realizing I was never right. Here is me finally letting go of the toxic, so I myself, can stop being so toxic. I'm learning. We all do. It just takes some time.

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FINALLY:

I am finally taking action for everything. I am finally allowing myself to be a positive person. To stop letting the past affect me. I learned how toxic I was. I am so sorry if I was a toxic person in your life. I am so sorry if I blamed you for all of my toxic choices knowing I had a say-so within the matter. I am fully understanding now. I sincerely apologize. I am no longer willing to be the toxic person. And if i was yours, I am so sorry.