Kind hearts & grudges:

I am one of the most kind hearted, stubborn, out-spoken, and goofiest people anyone could ever meet. I am NOT perfect by any means, as is no one on the earth. But, I tend to let people run over me more than often. I am out-spoken, so I am quick to confront someone, but at the same time, I let the people I love control me. 2019 has hit me with a depression phase just like it did near the end of 2018. I am working on bettering myself, but it seems like just when I get good again, I push myself back down. I let my depression take away my focus on bettering myself. Most of the time, it's because I let people run over me often than not. I am not someone to hold a grudge EVER. I forgive so easily and that's not okay sometimes. I tend to overlook my own feelings in order to please people (that's the anxiety part of me). I let my worries control how I really want to feel (still working on that part of me).

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Here is the point of this post. Have you ever said you are praying on something all while you really aren't? It's so easy to say something rather than act on it. Now, for the me not holding grudges part because I put others before myself.. I really have been praying and looking to God for answers more often than not in 2019. This is the first time in my LIFE that I have actually had this uneasy feeling. That feeling of (kind of) hopelessness. That feeling you just can't seem to put your finger on, but you know something isn't right. This is the first time I actually feel like God is trying to prove to me He has all the answers, and there is a reason for this "uneasy" feeling. I honestly believe, he is allowing me to hold a grudge for once in my life for a reason. He may show me years down the road. Every time I try to bypass this feeling and do what the "Old Brittany" would do, something tells me not to. Something holds me back. And most people (normally sisters) would say, "Brittany you just have too much pride." But, for once in my life I feel like this isn't a pride thing. It's a bettering myself thing. To hold this "grudge" or whatever you wanna call it.

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So to my anxiety people. To my depressed people. My worrisome people. Sometimes you have to trust your gut. You have to hold that grudge. (Now if it's pride, let that GO, it's not healthy or worth it). Sometimes, God is giving you the answers, you just have to listen. If you aren't a religious person, then just know that there is a reason for feeling the way you do. If you never hold a grudge but something keeps giving you that feeling, sometimes you have to trust yourself on it because in the end all we have our ourselves. If we aren't happy with our own decisions, how can we be happy with ourselves? Stop allowing the people you love to run over you to avoid conflict because sometimes, some things just need to be said (or unsaid).